It’s time for a wake up call, okay?
All of the stuff you’re feeling… defensiveness, anger, fear, hate, jealousy… it’s tearing you apart with indecision, isn’t it?
You strive to be “good.” People tell you to not be angry because well, just because it’s not right, or it’s a sin, or it causes strife.
But that is a lie. And not if you hold onto anger, no, then it does affect you and your relationship with others. But there are some people who take other people’s word for things and stuff their feelings of anger down deep… and this is your wake up call.
1. Stuffing anger leads to harmful body outbursts
2. Speaking about your anger by yelling causes strife
3. Speaking about your anger is encouraged when you can do it without attacking the other person
Did your parents not tell you about that?
That sucks. Well, that’s why this is your wake up call… because these are the most important things you have to realize to find your voice and speak how you feel.
Since you’re here, let’s go ahead and talk about anger. Let’s discuss what we can do about it to help ourselves and others find our voice to speak.
Let’s do this:
Why do we
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
And my heart is sick of being in chains
- Tori Amos
You don’t mean to, I know, but you do.
Each and every time we stuff our anger, we crucify ourselves. And when you stuff this energy inside your body, it erupts somewhere inside you… in the form of blisters, pimples, foot boils. Or it stores itself inside your cells, building, building, building until that day when something sets that energy free in either a detrimental condition or you release it through forgiveness.
So all that anger you stored doesn’t really do you any good does it?
Yes, you can save face or avoid a confrontation, and keep quiet because you don’t want an argument.
While the boss gets his or her way. While your kids trump all over you. While your spouse or partner doesn’t spend time with you again.
And you’re left to sit it out. You’re just doing yourself harm, honey.
I know, you don’t really want to speak up. You want to stew in the raw emotions because you feel somehow it’s your fault.
But, that is not true.
For each time you do not state what you want in a relationship, a job, a career, a proposal, a business partnership, a creative project, you lose.
No one can read your mind.
And you know you can get your needs met. You just have to speak up for yourself. Get off the cross.
So let’s discuss how to do that.
I Will Survive
At first, I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking, I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking, how you did me wrong
And I grew strong and I learned how to get along
- Gloria Gaynor
Learning how to deal with anger without yelling or attacking another person is the most important point in this conversation. If you yell, you’re just stirring the pot, as they say. All you are doing is creating a huge pile of dung, one layer upon another until it stinks so bad and is piled up to infinity.
Is that a little bit too much for you?
Yes, okay so it’s an exaggeration.
I could put it in a nicer way, but I want to drive the point home.
And hey, I’m writing this for myself as we speak. Claiming the fruits of the Spirit is an ongoing process and we never rid ourselves of the anger emotion.
So, in the spirit of fairness, here’s a nicer way to put that:
You get nothing done. Here’s why:
YOU PILE ON LAYERS OF ANGER UNTIL YOU CAN”T SEE REALITY ANYMORE.
You can cut off relationships doing this. And friendships can be ruined, partnerships, relative bonds, kids… the list goes on.
All because you spew all over the other person something that may not even be true, but is based on your perception of reality when you may not even have all the facts.
And the opposite of this is self control.
Which is what we are leading into a discussion on.
If you want your spouse, significant other, friend, kid, boss, peer, fish to give a pig’s snort about your needs, then you have to understand how to speak your needs.
That’s the secret to finding your voice.
But it’s also the thing most women suck at. And you included.
Humor me here, I have a little experiment for you:
You may know that I used to work as a lab technician for over 7 years so left brain analyzing became pretty important to me. And test results ruled my life back then.
So here’s the Find Your Voice Experiment:
You know right now there’s something bothering you. Right?
C’mon, stop denying it. You have to play along for this to work.
Think of that thing that’s bothering you the most right now.
As you think of it, try not to judge yourself and how what feelings come up around that thing you’re thinking of. Just witness it in your thoughts.
And notice everything that part of you is saying right now.
And say back to that part of you: So you’re saying you want ____________ (insert complaint or need or wish or desire here)?
And, if you do it right, that part of you will say, “YES! That’s what I want!”
If you get a different response, you’ve failed this experiment.
Here’s an example:
Angry/Frustrated/Jealous/Scared Part of You: I’m so angry/frustrated/scared/jealous over how my partner never meets my needs and I just feel so unloved and no one cares and I never get calls from anyone and everyone else is happy but me.
Your response: So, you mean that you feel like you are unloved and wish to be loved?
Angry/Frustrated/Jealous/Scared Part of You: Yes, that’s what I want, exactly! Love!
See how that works?
So, here’s how you can apply this experiment to finding and speaking your voice…
I Won’t Back Down
Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down
Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down
Well I know what’s right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around
But I’ll stand my ground and I won’t back down
- Tom Petty
Listen to yourself. You have all the answers within you. Agree with yourself on what you want.
Just agree. Say yes. No arguing. No stuffing feelings. No reasoning.
Listen. Hear yourself. See yourself. Feel yourself.
And as you practice this, you’ll notice that you won’t be stuffing your anger, fear, jealousy. You’ll just be witnessing it. And agreeing to the way you feel because at some level of you, it is what you want and most desire.
If you do it correctly, you’ll get quicker at it. Yep, that’s what I want, recognizing what yourself is trying to tell you. You’ll be tuned into yourself.
We all want to be listened to and understood. Often, we put this on other people to do the work for us. No one has the time or energy to do this for us. We have to do it ourselves. We have to know what we want.
And if we don’t know what we want, unfortunately the worse can and will happen.
We will be like waves on the ocean being tossed about without a direction or ship to navigate. What opportunities come to us are any and everything. And if you give those opportunities the time of day without being clear to yourself what you want, so help you. This is how hard lessons are learned.
So instead of allowing yourself to be tossed on the waves, stand up for yourself. No backing down.
It’s simple, really:
Listen and agree with yourself.
Then notice what happens after that. Maybe you get the opportunity to tell your partner, spouse, date, kid, boss exactly what you expect in ______________ situation, relationship, job, or where to go on the first date.
You have to speak up for yourself.
To do that you have to know what you want.
Even if they ask where you want to eat for the night.
And what’s the best way to do that?
Connect yourself to yourself. Listen to yourself. God gave you feelings for a reason and it isn’t to stuff them. Nor is it to run wild without self control with them either.
Agree with yourself and you won’t have to look outside of yourself for attention.
Ask yourself what you want and you won’t have to take just any opportunity that comes along and just deal with it.
Listen to yourself and you won’t have to stuff what you’re feeling.
Pretty easy, right?
I knew you were smart.
Any questions? Post them in the comments. I’ll be glad to help.